Understanding the Impact of School on Our Inner Parts: An IFS Therapy Perspective

The Structures that Shape Us

There’s something freeing about writing with no set direction—just letting thoughts unfold and seeing where they take me. Lately, I’ve had moments where I wanted to write but didn’t know what to write about, so I stepped aside. Today, I’m choosing to lean into that uncertainty, to see what happens when I follow this part of me that doesn’t feel like it has much to say.

It’s fascinating to notice how our creativity is influenced by the structures we impose on ourselves. When we allow our minds and bodies to flow within our environment, the possibilities are endless. It makes me think about the structures we don’t choose, like those imposed on us early in life, such as school.

In school we are taught how to behave: sit down, be still, focus, and, on top of that, perform—all while navigating the unspoken rules of social dynamics. We’re placed within a system that at times claims to know what works best for us, and in reality, it often only works best for some and even so for some at certain periods of their lives. That said, these structures do have their benefits. Learning to focus, manage time, and navigate expectations can serve us in a society that values these skills. Many children thrive within this framework, finding structure and a sense of achievement and many children who struggle can benefit from this framework.

But when we don’t naturally fit into these systems, the question we may internalize is- What’s wrong with me? Through processing in adulthood it is important to consider- How did this environment impact me? and was there room to shift and adapt? What were my challenges? What was supportive and unsupportive?

Internalizing the Message

For many, these rigid structures don’t just make learning difficult; they also create shame—from teachers, peers, and caregivers. Some receive extra help, diagnoses, or medication, and suddenly, their experience isn’t just about school but about how they’re perceived within it. Others don’t receive the help they need and become lost within the overwhelm, struggling silently to keep up. The overwhelm of school’s demands, mixed with the pressure to conform, can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, or a deep-seated belief that something is wrong with them. Some children respond by expending all their energy trying to fit in or be a perfect student (anxiety), while others withdraw or act out (which can look like depression, defiance, or opposition).

In adulthood, many people come to therapy struggling with anxiety, depression, struggling to find relief from within and trying to find a work/life balance that suits them. As we explore their experiences, school often comes up. Through Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we begin identifying the parts of themselves that exist now—the one who can’t manage time, the one who is angry with demands, the overworked and unfulfilled part—and their relationship with past roles in school: the good student, the shy one, the perfectionist, the troublemaker, the one who couldn’t sit still, the class clown. They start recognizing how teachers, peers, and caregivers reinforced messages like I’m not good enough, I’m unintelligent, I should give up, I need to be perfect, I am too much, I don’t belong, I have to do this alone, No one likes me. Many of these messages started earlier than school, perhaps in the family system, and school reinforced them.

Reclaiming Ourselves

This is where unburdening begins. When we give these parts of us space and listen to what they needed at the time, we create opportunities for healing. We often know instinctively through this process: That part of me needed permission to leave the classroom and cry. That part needed someone to stand up for me and say, “This isn’t fair.” In IFS, that “someone” is you—your present-day self, showing up for the parts of you that were once left unheard. As we begin to unburden ourselves, we understand what our needs are.

And just as we make space for the pain, we also make space for the positives. Some part of us may need to start by acknowledging what school gave us before we can explore what it took from us. Recognizing the skills we gained—resilience, friendships, a sense of curiosity—validates our reality and helps us hold both truths. Therapy isn’t about rejecting our past experiences and emotions; it’s about learning to integrate them in a way that serves us now. Even when school doesn’t fully serve us, we often still gain something from the experience. We exist in multiplicities—meaning we can hold both realities at once: the ways school may have failed us and the ways it may have supported us.

When we truly connect with our needs, we learn how to care for ourselves in ways we couldn’t back then. The shift may go from, I need to get rid of this anxiety, to , I’m anxious, and I understand why. I know what helps me feel more at ease, and I can give that to myself. Paradoxically, when anxiety no longer feels limiting, we often become more capable of doing what once felt too difficult in the first place.

With Children

When working with parents and children, I emphasize a non-pathologizing approach. We explore what’s happening at home, in the classroom, and, most importantly, what the child’s experience is. Through this process, parents gain clarity about why a situation feels frustrating or concerning, and just as importantly, they learn to validate their child’s experience. We meet children where they are, challenge them gently, and work with their internal experience by reading cues, asking instead of assuming, avoiding shame, using positive reinforcement, and implementing age-appropriate agreements or discipline.

Failing in school or struggling with behavior aren’t just problems to be fixed; they’re learning opportunities for the whole family. Emotional well-being in children can’t be ignored. When we normalize talking about feelings and teach kids how to navigate them, they don’t just cope—they grow. Recognizing that making space to shift and change within these structures doesn’t mean rejecting them—it means learning how to work with them in ways that truly serve us.

At its core, therapy with school age individuals is about creating space for them to express and understand their emotions. And in doing so, we learn to create that same space for ourselves—for the children we’re raising, and for the child we once were. Because that’s something we all deserve.

-Imuri