Boundaries: A Dynamic Approach to Connection
In therapy, we learn about the importance of setting boundaries, and in recent years, different takes on boundaries have gained significant attention on social media and other channels of learning. While setting boundaries is crucial for our well-being, the way we approach them matters. Boundaries can sometimes be portrayed as rigid lines, made for others, and in some cases to cut people off, but this approach isn’t always necessary or healthy for fostering mutual understanding and connection. While there are times when firm and unmovable boundaries are essential, in most situations, flexibility and thoughtful evaluation is key when we are trying to set boundaries in relationships we want to stay connected with. It is important to note here, that the connection happens when both individuals are open.
When setting our personal boundaries, it’s important to consider their purpose, how they serve us, and the impact they may have on our relationships. It is important for boundaries to be rooted in a sense of importance for our internal system and overall health. By trusting ourselves, validating our feelings, and offering self-compassion, we may discover that we don’t need to shield ourselves as rigidly as we think. This self-trust can create space for boundaries that feel both protective and connected.
The Importance of Setting Personal Boundaries
Boundary setting isn’t easy, especially when they are in relation with people we care about. It’s often hardest to set boundaries when we know that they will have an impact on the people who matter to us. We may wish they could understand us without explanation, sparing us the discomfort of asserting our needs. Yet, boundaries have the potential to change relationships in positive ways, and it’s worth reflecting on how those changes align with our intentions.
While boundaries can be subtly expressed and understood through body language, shifts in energy, or small adjustments in behavior, rather than through direct conversation, having open conversations about our experiences in the relationship can foster deeper connection and understanding. When we share not just the boundary itself, but the emotions and needs behind it, we create opportunities for mutual growth rather than distance. When we honor ourselves and accept our needs, we can communicate in a way that is compassionate and this can make room for understanding the other person’s perspective. Discussing our boundaries within the context of the relationship allows both people to navigate the dynamic with more clarity and care, rather than leaving space for misunderstanding or resentment.
When Firmness is Important
At times, setting a firm boundary without communication is important in situation that involve fear of our safety. In such cases, holding a boundary without communication or reassessment for a while can be an act of self-preservation. Flexibility is valuable, and holding firm boundaries is just as important, especially when we recognize that maintaining them is essential for our well-being. Even when conversations go well, staying committed to our boundaries can be an act of self-respect. If a boundary isn’t being acknowledged or respected, clarity and consistency become even more necessary. The boundary setting here isn’t about creating distance, but about reinforcing self-trust and honoring what we need. While rigidity may be necessary in certain situations, especially for our safety most relationships thrive when we remain open to connection.
The Role of Communication
In most cases, clear communication is vital. For example, we might say, "I need some time to process when I’m upset. Instead of resolving conflicts immediately, I’d like us to take a break before coming back to the conversation when I feel calmer.” This opens a dialogue, allowing the other person to understand our perspective. When we share our feelings and intentions with someone important to us, it can create an opportunity for greater understanding. By being open minded within ourselves, we allow the space for our part in repairing ruptures in relationships which can lead to healing in the relationship. Of course the true repair happens when the other individual is open to the connection.
It is also essential to recognize our role in the dynamic. This is why understanding our reasons and deep emotions for setting personal boundaries is so important. Focusing solely on another person’s behavior can prevent us from taking accountability for how our boundaries influence the relationship, and it may leave no room for the other individual’s perspective. Healthy boundaries involve mutual respect for both our needs and the needs of others. Here is an example of what a healthy dialogue can look like:
Partner A:"I need some time to process when I’m upset. Instead of resolving conflicts immediately, I’d like us to take a break before coming back to the conversation when I feel calmer”.
Partner B: “I understand, and I can respect that. I want to let you know that I feel very anxious when you walk away from conversations. I would like some reassurance. Perhaps you can let me know that this conversation really matters to you before taking a break from the conflict?”
Partner A: “Okay, Before taking a break, I will reassure you that we will return to this conversation because you and the conversation matter to me.”
Notice how there was room for flexibility?
Healthy boundaries are flexible. They allow us to navigate the natural shifts in ourselves and our relationships and remain open to new interactions, even with caution. Our bodies often guide us, signaling when it feels like we can hold more or when we are reaching our limits. Rigid boundaries, on the other hand, can lead to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding. I wanted to write examples of how setting ourselves some boundaries may look like. The important thing to note is that setting healthy boundaries for ourselves require introspection and reflection. Here are some steps to consider:
Relational Boundaries: Navigating Needs While Staying Connected
Clarify Your Intentions – Before setting a boundary, reflect on why it's important to you. Is it for your emotional well-being? To create space for self-reflection? Understanding your needs helps ensure the boundary aligns with your values rather than being a reaction to discomfort. Learning about yourself can make room for understanding yourself, the other person, and the situation.
Tune Into Your Body and Emotions – Notice what sensations arise when you feel your boundaries being crossed. Do you feel tension, exhaustion, or resentment? These internal signals can guide you in understanding when and where a boundary is needed.
Assess Flexibility vs. Firmness – Consider whether the situation calls for a firm, non-negotiable boundary or if some flexibility can exist. Ask yourself, "Is this a boundary I need for safety, or is it one that can be adjusted through conversation and understanding?" Remember that in loving relationships, communication can be so helpful for strengthening a relationship. In the example I mentioned about
Communicate with Compassion – If it feels safe to do so, express your boundary in a way that centers your needs rather than blaming others. Use “I” statements to share what you need while remaining open to the relationship dynamic. Express why it is important to you and your personal wants and needs.
Be open to Dialogue and Adjustments - Can I hear the other person’s response with curiosity and Is there space for balance in how we navigate this? After expressing my boundary, do I feel differently or the same? Often times, the other person may have their own feelings, their own boundaries and reasoning. Think about this as, the problem is the situation, not the person, not I.
Check In and Reassess – Boundaries are not set in stone. As you grow, your needs and relationships shift. Take time to reflect on whether your boundary is still serving you or if it needs adjustment.
The Takeaway
Boundaries are not static; they are dynamic, shifting as we grow and as our relationships evolve. This constant motion is a natural part of being in relationship with the world. Healthy boundaries require self-awareness, clear communication in most cases, and empathy. These qualities become more accessible when we treat ourselves with compassion. One of the key ideas I share in therapy is the importance of approaching boundaries mindfully. Finding what feels right for us—even if only for the time being—takes time, patience, and a willingness to listen to our bodies and needs. While boundary setting is rarely simple, doing it with intention and care can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
-Imuri
